Surviving Your Split

What to do when you can’t do it yourself.

What to do when you can’t do it yourself.

Hello, Friends!

We’ve definitely covered a lot over the past couple of months, haven’t we?

We’ve dug into why New Year’s resolutions are stupid. We discovered the more practical way to make your goals manageable.  And in a perfect world, you would easily be able to break your goals into smaller bits, give yourself timelines to stay accountable, and have the self-discipline to get out of your divorce rut and move on.

So, what happens when you cant do it yourself? Does that mean that you just throw your hands up in frustration, say, “screw this,” and continue feeling sorry for yourself because everything is just too damn hard?

Hell no.

When you cant do it yourself, it’s time to call for reinforcements.

Nothing wrong with having a bad-ass group of folks to help you recover. Image via Inverse.

Asking for help doesn’t make you stupid or weak. It’s the exact opposite.

I get it. Most of us like to think of ourselves as independent individuals who can do things ourselves. And for many things in our life, that’s fine. If you can make a list, go to the grocery store, and shop for yourself, cool. If you can search for flights and hotels online, and make travel reservations without the need of outside assistance, that’s cool, too. That’s not the shit we’re talking about.

What happens when you’re having trouble with accomplishing something alone?

What if if you’re working on getting over your divorce guilt or you’re struggling to get your confidence back after a long divorce? Do you know how difficult it is to just sit there, grit your teeth, and will your confidence back into existence? Of course you do. It’s almost impossible.

So, how is saying to yourself, “You know what? I’ve tried and I cant do this myself. I want to change but I need some help to do so” a sign of weakness? It’s actually a sign of strength.

It takes a strong person to have the courage to be honest with themselves and acknowledge what they cant do alone. And it takes a smart person to be that self-aware that they know when to call for reinforcements.

Knowing that you deserve to break out of your rut and that you deserve a second chance at life makes you strong. And having that strength to reach out to folks who can help you accomplish those goals—and following through with finding those people–is what makes you smart.

You already ask for help in other areas. It’s time to expand what you’re already doing.

Hey, remember the last time you needed surgery?

Did you try to do it yourself? Hell no. You went to a doctor–a trained specialist whose sole professional purpose it to make sure you’re okay.

Are you using a divorce lawyer or mediator to help you through the legal craziness of your split? Unless your divorce was super-easy (and whose divorce really is?), chances are you hired a professional trained in the ins-and-outs of the process.

Why did you do this? Is it because you love paying for your lawyer’s next yacht? No. It’s because you know it’d be a big ol’ shitshow without their assistance.

See where I’m going with this line of logic?

There’s already something inside you that realizes that sometimes in life, you cant do shit yourself. And that in some cases, it’s worth it to hire professionals because the return on your investment–time and money–is worth it.

Reaching your divorce goals are no different.

If you’ve tried to organize, or get your confidence back, or get out of your rut and move the hell on, and you just cant do it alone, you owe it to yourself to find professionals who can help you organize and keep you accountable.

If you are serious about reaching your goals and, despite your best efforts, are still struggling, how will repeating the same patterns and not trying something different yield more productive results for you?

Spoiler alert: It won’t.

So, what now?

Your Next Steps.

If you are feeling stuck with where you are right now in the divorce process—whether you are going through with it, or you are at the end wondering what the hell to do next —here’s how to take the next steps. But you need to be honest with yourself during this exercise. Now’s not the time for self-pity or laziness.

  • Identify what you’re struggling with

    • This could be anything from getting your confidence back, to figuring out your finances, to letting go of your divorce guilt, to grieving—each person’s struggle is unique.

  • Identify what you’ve done to handle the situation yourself

    • If the answer is, “Nothing, I’ve just sat and thought about it,” that’s no good. At this point, you need to at least try something–educating yourself is key.

  • If you still cant work through an issue by yourself, consider the following:

    • Who can help you? Who can you reach out to? Is it a therapist? Is it a divorce coach? Is it a personal trainer?

  • Give yourself a deadline

    • Can you search your options online over the next two days to see who you can reach out to? Will you reach out to that person by the end of the week? What is a reasonable timeline for you to take these steps?

  • Invest in yourself

    • Nobody likes to talk about money, but let’s get real here. Professionals are going to charge for their time. And most professionals who are worth a damn know they’re worth a damn and know that they will get you results. But they’re not going to do that as a charity case.

    • You need to figure out if your future is worth investing in.

We’re not done with the topic of asking for help though. Next time, we’ll learn the two biggest mistakes people make when it comes to asking for outside help so you’ll know how to avoid that shit in your own divorce recovery. You won’t want to miss it.

In the meantime, you know I’d love to hear from you!   So shoot me an email or just reply to this message. I read each email and want to know what’s on your mind. Have you asked for extra help before? What has been your experience?

Until next time, remember to take care of yourselves! You deserve it.

Warmly,

Martha

PS—If you have friends or family who could use some love and a kick in the ass with their recovery, forward this email. Sharing is caring.

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