Now that the weather on the East Coast (at least in my neck of the woods) has finally started to behave, I’m looking around and seeing everybody in a good mood, without a care in the world.
Hmmmmmm. But I remember a few years back when I was trying to navigate my own shitshow of a divorce, feeling horrible even during the nicest weather. I thought I was making all the right decisions and doing everything I was supposed to do, but why then, did I still feel like someone was dropping a pile of bricks on me while I was walking through a fog while my heart was getting torn apart?!
It wasn’t until I realized that it was because I as making one huge divorce mistake, that many of you may be making right now without even knowing it!
Let me explain.
All over the interwebs, you have probably read the articles like these when trying to find decent advice:
Top 8 Divorce Mistakes to Avoid
How to Choose the Best Divorce Lawyer
How the Judge will Determine Alimony
How to Introduce Your New Boyfriend/Girlfriend to the Kids
Not all of these articles and bits of advice are terrible. Hell, I’ve written articles like them before. A lot of the advice is useful—no one is going to argue that getting everything in writing will protect you, or that learning to make a budget will help you become more independent.
But the mistake we make when we approach divorce as just a one-off/bit-by-bit/one-thing-
Here’s the Secret…
We Make the Mistake of not Defining What it is We Want Long-Term and Where We Want to be Long-Term.
And because we don’t do this, we end up running around like chickens with our heads cut off, barely surviving the daily drama and bullshit and confusion that is making our lives a living hell right now.
Think of divorce as a tree. But not a cute little tree that is slowly growing in yourgarden, or a little baby sapling in the forest. Oh no. Divorce is a giant mutating tree that is about to uproot itself and wreak havoc on your life.
This is not your divorce tree. (Image via ASoftPlace)
This is totally your divorce tree. (Image via FineArtAmerica)
In order to meet this tree head-on, would you just take a small hatchet and vainly try to cut off a twig here, a branch there?
Hell no. You’d find yourself some dynamite and blow that shit up.
So when it comes to your divorce, why are you taking a little hatchet, trying to chop a twig there and there (which is exactly what you do when read a random article about finances, or another random article about custody), when what you should be doing instead is planting that dynamite at the roots, which is what you are doing when you define what it is you want long-term, and then putting a system into your life that will help get you there.
Divorce is like this giant tree. Dealing with a lot of the divorce is just like cutting off branches and doesn’t get at the root of the problem.
Getting your life back means going straight to trunk: focusing on the Big Picture, and only then can you get out of the daily shitshow. (Image via LookOutNow.)
If you want to move the hell on with your life, you need to figure out what that even means. And investing all your time and money and emotional energy on things that you’re reacting to, instead of being proactive and setting the course for yourself, is why you feel like you’re a dog chasing their tale, wondering when the nightmare will ever end.
Next week, we’re going to fix that. Now that you know how to deal with drama and kick your anxiety to the curb, I will teach you how to move on with your life, even if right now, you aren’t even sure what that is supposed to look like, or even if you’re unsure if you can.
I promise you can, and I will show you how.
And as always, if you have any questions or comments, let me know!
Until next time, remember to take care of yourselves. You deserve it.