Happy Friday, Everybody!
The spring has finally returned to this neck of the woods, and with that nice weather comes dreams of fun activities in the next coming months—a few quick getaways, summer concerts, and just that overall wonderful feeling that with warm weather, life just seems better.
Last week, we talked about how divorce can be the best thing to happen to you, but that good fortune doesn’t come without working for it. Nothing good in life does.
This week, as part 4 of our Move the Hell On series, let’s talk about how you can be proactive in moving the hell on and making the best future for yourself. The solution is simple, but not easy…
You can’t move on when you don’t plan awesome stuff for yourself
Okay, so I know you’ve been hearing the “plan plan plan” mantra since you were probably in high school. Plan for the future!
Plan your budget! Plan your career! Plan your retirement!
But, as you have learned in the past, nobody taught us how to plan for the event that has probably had the biggest impact on us: planning for divorce, and the life we will lead afterwards.
And even if you have managed to navigate the byzantine system of lawyers, waiting,finances, waiting, logistics, waiting, and the emotional shit show that splitting from your spouse has been, what are you left with?
Something that really stumped me as I was figuring out how to move on, was there was an abundance of great resources about how to plan financially (learning to budget, learning to save, real estate, etc), and how to co-parent, but there wasn’t much in the way of how to navigate the direction of my life after divorce.
In spite of good logistical resources out there, there was a void in that spiritual and emotional component. The void was usually filled with confusion, like, “Well, what the hell do I do now?”
That“what the hell?!” stops today, my friends.
Are you feeling like this? Read on to learn how to fix it! (Image via Pinterest.)
It’s time to plan your own future
One of the main reasons we have problems learning how to move on with our lives is because we haven’t bothered to ask ourselves, “Hey, what do I want—really want—for myself?”
It seems like such a simple question, but because many of us haven’t taken the time to acknowledge that we’re worth the effort and we deserve to live a life we love, this question gets ignored. And we wonder why, months and even years after a divorce, we can’t figure out why we still feel lost or bitter.
The fault is not yours. For years during your marriage, you were probably the caregiver. You were so busy dedicating your time into being a good spouse and a good parent, putting the family unit above all that you didn’t stop to think, “Hey, what about my goals? What about my passions?” You may have even felt guilty doing this, because culturally you were told it was selfish to do so.
Well, I’m here to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be happy, and there’s nothing wrong with defining your life on your own terms.
And the way to start is by answering the following:
What do you want in three months? Six months? One year? Three years? Five Years?
What will you do to get there?
The only way you can really move on is if you allow yourself to not only dream, but to take actionable steps to achieve those dreams, and to hold yourself accountable to it. Planning what you want for yourself may seem daunting as hell, but like with most Surviving Your Split strategies if you break it down into smaller steps that you can manage, you won’t believe just how much you can achieve.
Still feeling stuck? I did after my divorce, too!
So, to make myself feel more confident, it really helped to write it down in a journal. Although I have not listed everything, the following examples will inspire you to write you own and plan for your future!
In three months, I want…
In three months, I want to have the entire apartment reflect my own space. My own private sanctuary.
This is how I will get it: I will get rid of anything that makes me feel sad or angry. I will make sure that none of my ex-husband’s stuff is still here (he will either need to come pick it up, or if he doesn’t want it, I will give it to charity). If there are things that I am unsure about—such as old photos that make me sad—I will put them away in storage until I time I feel okay going through them.
In one year, I want…
In one year, I want to be able to date again. I want to heal, I want to not feel heart-broken, pissed-off, or bitter. I don’t want to find someone as a rebound or to replace my ex-husband, but I want to be open to finding love when it comes again. Eventually.
This is how I will get it: I really need to work on myself. I will find a good therapist who can help me work through the issues—the things that I am responsible for that contributed to the divorce. I am going to try really hard learning about how to be okay with being by myself, and learning about what I need from a partner in any future relationships, as well as the things that I will not tolerate.
In five years, I want…
In five years, I really want to live by my own lights. I want to go into business for myself.
This is how I will get it: Starting my own business is not something to be taken lightly. It will take a mountain of hard work, persistence, and passion. I will need to figure out what my passions are, what the needs of the public are, and what kind of solutions I can offer people. There is a ton of market research to do, and it would not hurt to take business classes or work with a business coach. I will need to plan the shit out of what I want to do, figure out the costs associated with it, and learn to balance starting the business with juggling a full-time job and personal life. There will be set-backs, challenges, but it’s important I remain persistent.
Focusing on yourself and your own healing is uplifting business, but takes a lot of work and a lot of honesty with yourself. But do not think you have to do this overnight.
But while planning what you want out of life is certainly worth your time to think about and do some introspection, it is not something you should procrastinate. You deserve a future where you can be yourself and live by your rules and be happy, dammit.
These grand plans can be anything that matters to you, and sometimes you’ll find that many of them were dreams deferred, that you felt you couldn’t fulfill when you were married. We discussed some of these things in the blog about what we love and what makes us passionate, but now is the time to envision the Big Picture—those things which can define you in this next exciting chapter of your life.
Your future is YOURS. (Image via MemeGenerator.)
Next week, we are going to wrap up our Move the Hell on series and I’ve saved the best strategy for last: How to Treat Your Divorce like the Awesome Gift it is.
In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you! What plans do you have for your future, now that you are moving on?
And as always, if you have any questions or comments, let me know! I love hearing from my readers and learning how I can help you get back to being happy.
Until next time, remember to take care of yourselves. You deserve it.