Surviving Your Split

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29 thoughts on “Thank You For Subscribing!

  1. Cherie Wagner

    I have been separated for over a year and I’m finally going to get divorced, I think. I have been in limbo for so long I think I am a bit crazy. :). Anyway now that the time is here I’m scared to death I’m not going to do something right. Just wanted to get asuch info as I can without getting too overwhelmed! Seems to be easier and easier these days for that to happen..thank you.

    1. ztlmbodyfelt Post author

      Hi Cherie! Thank you for reaching out. It’s certainly understandable do feel weird, especially when the time has finally come for the divorce to be finalized. We tend to get comfortable in whatever situation we’re in, even if it’s in the weird limbo of separation. But there’ s no need to feel scared! Remember, there is no “right” or “wrong” on the divorce journey. Remember to focus on what is right for you, on taking care of yourself, and on focusing on the great things you have waiting for you while you begin this next chapter in your life. Please email me if you ever have any questions or need some extra assistance. Thank you! ~Martha

    2. Athena

      I have been separated for 2 years now… in an office space on the property on a mattress for 9 months and then lving 2 hrs away for 4-5 days a week….driving LYFT in a big city-Seattle. We are Legally Separated………and my husband was charged with a white collar crime and came back from a short 2 month prison stay-more like a vacation at a “camp.” He has no income to speak of but his social security and a few orders for supplements from his medical nutritional business that he can no longer perform. I am stuck due to two things guilt and inability to find work. I am 62. He is living in a separate room in the house. I have rented two other rooms out to strangers. I get $900 a month from these renters.
      My husband has no money to pay me the Alimony he was supposed to give to me. At what point do I demand he give me rent? He desperately wants to be a “couple” again. It seems a heart can be broken and/or I do not have what it takes to find love and RESPECT for this man. I sit here wondering how long I can live in this weird limbo space of being simply friends. I feel like running away frequently….. I have a lot of self judgment too. I should Forgive and forget and get on with my life. We still do things together weekly–go to a movie, bike ride, and dance. Married 40 years this August. Can the grass be greener on the other side or will it just be lonely and financially difficult. Oh, yes,….. I own the 3 acres, but I have a broken septic system that will cost $20,000 to fix.

    1. ztlmbodyfelt Post author

      Hi Christine! Thanks for the comment. The mix of religion and law can get very tricky, and I know there are a lot of religious readers out there who struggle. They know that their marriage is toxic and divorce may be the best option for them, but they definitely struggle with divorcing, especially if they have been told by their religion that divorce is a sin. To be clear, I am not a religious scholar, but I do know that it is not hard to take any bit of scripture and interpret it to suit a way of thinking. But my thoughts are this: happiness is our own responsibility, and if there is a creator, I would think that they would want us to be happy, too. And sometimes being happy means struggling through the hard stuff–like a divorce–so that you can begin again.

      Now, to your question of overcoming stress, especially with separation and divorce: we get stressed when we feel that we do not have control over the situation, and that when we are scared of the unknown. The best way to help decrease that stress is to have a plan—educate yourself on divorce, find yourself a good therapist, and good support system. The first place to start is with the Resources link on this website. If you would like to know more, please email me at I would be happy to share with you some more great information. Thanks! Warmly, Martha

  2. joekalokoh

    I have being marrage for two years now and my wife went out for studies and told me she will not come back.since then we have not being talking its over one year now .and I want to divorce her .what can I do

  3. preeti barnwal

    I got married on Feb 2013 and after marriage I came to know My husband is very grid man. He married with my job not with me. He tortured a lot and behaved like animal so many time. He use to beat me. Only three months we lived together after that we are separate. Now When i want divorce from him on the mutual consent so that I may live stress free, He does not agree for this and I have no any proof that he tortured me mentally & physically too after marriage. What is the solution to get rid of that man. I Can’t live with that man anymore. I would like to die in stead of live with him. I am a govt employee so I have no time to run a case against him for a long time. Please advise me by which way I get divorce with that person. Is this a big ground that we are separate from more than 2 yrs? Kindly guide me and help to solve my problem.

  4. Wendy

    I’ve been married to my childhood sweetheart for 41 years. About 10 years into our marriage, we hit a rough patch and he looked for work out of state on the hope we could re-locate and start fresh. During that separation, I was unfaithful to him with a co-worker at my job. That was the one and only affair I had. We decided to stay together, and thinks were going pretty well, I thought. Now 25 years have passed and now he admits that he just can’t get over what I did. One minute he says he loves me and the next minute he hates me and wants a divorce. I really do think he wants to move on, but he is very dependent on me and our relationship. As a result, I have been enduring what seems like endless questions and emotional stress for the last three years. I’m 61 years old and retired. We have no children. I’m wondering if it is best to initiate the split, since he seems too emotionally broken to do so. I want to stay with him because I love him and know the other guy just took advantage of my vulnerability. I love my husband and wish he could forgive me, but I’m just really tired of enduring what seems like endless emotional stress. I could use some realistic advice.

    1. Martha B Post author

      Hi Wendy,
      I tried to email you but received a kick-back on your email. Please email me at In regards to your question, please see below:
      Making the decision to split is tough during any marriage, but especially one where two people have shared a huge chunk of their lives together.

      As you know, it is impossible to get someone to feel a different way, and if your husband is unwilling and unable to forgive you and is inconsistent with his messaging (one day he says he loves you, one day he says he hates you and wants a divorce) then it definitely puts you at a crossroads.

      If you do want to remain married to him, have you considered couples counseling? It’s obviously not a cure-all, but when paired with the right therapist and when both people are committed to fixing the relationship and moving on, it can be really great.

      So, two questions to answer before we talk about other options. First question: Is counseling something you would try? And second question: is couples counseling something that your husband would be willing to try?

      Knowing these two answers will lead us to the next steps.

      I’m looking forward to speaking with you soon!



  5. Sheena

    I have just divorced after 40 years with my husband. He left me for a 36 year old. He and I are both 61.
    He blamed me for lack of affection and intimacy. I agree with his reasons, it is my fault. I was complacent. I have let him take a lot of money and furniture. I sold my lovely house and have gone back to work to support myself
    ( she doesn’t work and has no children, she says he is her “oxygen” and they are soul mates.)
    I am glad he has found the happiness he didn’t feel with me and I have been extremely nice to both of them. But I still love him and miss him terribly. I am keeping very busy, volunteering with conservation groups, amateur dramatics, yoga….anything to occupy my mind, but I can’t stop thinking about them together and it feels so painful. I guess it is just time and effort. Thank you for your help on this website.

    1. Martha B Post author

      Hello Sheena! Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of strength to put yourself out there and I appreciate it. I am sorry that you are still in pain, but you are right–it will take a lot of time and effort. Your keeping busy with things that interest you, while it may seem minor in comparison to the hurt you feel, will help you immensely in the long run. Just take things day by day, and remember to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself! Please email me at anytime. Best, Martha

  6. Cindy

    I told my husband of 42 yrs that I wanted to split up. Over the last 42 yrs it has been good and bad. The last few yrs I have fallen out of love with him for so many reasons. i just don’t even know where to begin with the process. I have been receiving social security since December a very small amount. My husband has filed for social security and he has 2 pensions he will be be getting. I am thinking the 2 pensions would be split in half but not sure. Help!!

    1. Martha B Post author

      Hi Cindy! Thank you for the email. A quick question for you. What options have you considered so far in regards to the divorce? Are you certain that you want to split? If so, what steps have you taken legally, financially, logistically to start the process? Also, what goals do you have for yourself besides thinking about the two pensions? I am happy to give you further guidance! Please email me at!

  7. Barb Barghahn

    Hi Martha,

    After 30 years together (27 married with 2 grown sons a step-daughter/husband/2 grandkids) I am now divorced for 3 weeks. Although this was not my life’s plan, I met my personal criteria of 1) I have done absolutely everything I could possibly do to make it work and 2) I am not angry at him. Meeting these two pieces of criteria as well and many, many hours with an excellent therapist have enabled me to be in a good place in my life. In the process of the divorce I was scared of being “homeless” as my little town is exceedingly important to me after an adult life with much uncertainty. With two dogs and a housing market with minimal listings for property in the “starter home” category I was able to move early into a home where I have not closed on yet. I am waiting for my financial portion of the settlement to finalize my ex-husband’s 401k division that will provide my 33% down payment. My frustration is with impatience with the judge who simply has to sign what was already spelled out in the divorce decree. I am beginning to be triggered by what feels like someone once again is holding all the cards that determine my future. Do you have a have a fresh perspective that may help lighten this load for. me?

    On a positive note, I spent 20 years operating an in-home childcare business then closed to return to college for a second degree (Addiction Studies) and MS degree. I am exceedingly happy with my new career and love living in my new home. The feeling of freedom is beyond what I could have imagined in spite of my not managing finances for all 30 years.

    Thank you in advance for the kick in the pants I need to stop feeling imprisoned by the judge with the slow writing utensil!

    Barb Barghahn

    1. Doreen

      I’m anxious to know how you succeeded with your two steps? Was it the therapy? I don’t know where to begin to get over the anger I feel about my husband leaving. I’m also interested in how you found the energy to go back to school. I’m two years separated, now getting divorce and can barely get through some days. I feel like what is supposed to be a new chapter in my life feels more like a huge ending.
      Thanks for sharing.

  8. Barbara Green

    Hi Martha,
    I filed for and divorced my husband of 31 years. He is an active alcoholic who was verbally aggressive. I was not so nice myself at times. It was a friendly enough divorce and we still keep in contact. Actually we still had plans to see each other, take our grandchild places, and he even told me that I could still be buried next to him since he bought the plots. I moved 4 hours away. We have one daughter who he went to visit (unannounced) and lo and behold he has a girlfriend, a childhood sweetheart with him. I am heart broken and devastated.
    I don’t understand why I am so upset. I guess it could be that I had hopes he would quit drinking or that I am so sad because it’s the end of a life shared. What do i do to get over this loss?
    Thank you,

  9. Angela

    Hi all,I’ve just stumbled across this site. I’m going through a divorce now, after a short marriage.
    Aside from the emotional process, I feel so alone and isolated. My ex husband was with me all the time… ( on hindsight that was his controlling personality).
    I would like to meet new people who I can frequently talk to on the phone, meet up for lunch at weekends…. just want to build up a social network.
    If anyone lives near Enfield… are you interested?

    Thank you

  10. Sandy

    Hi Martha,

    I don’t know how to start but I was married for 26 years and divorced my husband almost two years ago. About a year ago I started feeling such guilt that’s it’s hard to not cry. I feel guilty for leaving him. He wants me back and cries and tells me he is miserable. He says he is going to lose his job and I feel his pain. I can’t sleep well and can’t get him off my mind. We have 3 children together the youngest is a senior in high school. My two older ones place blame on me too. It’s a lot to deal with. The kids are doing pretty well and try not to hurt me but I think they feel for their dad. I’m dating a man for the last 2 1/2 years. Yes, the man I met when I was married. I went back to school to become independent because I was going to leave my husband and ended up falling in Love. I feel pressure to go back with my husband but don’t know how to make a good decision anymore. I love my boyfriend but circumstances keeps us apart. Do I just go back so everyone is happy and I’m sure I will be fine. I will be fine. He is better now. I see the change in him. Please bring clarity to me.

  11. Melody Dermer

    Like some others, I have just stumbled across this site and just reading of others experiences has helped me not feel so alone, so thank you to those who have written before me. I am six months separated from a 43 year marriage and my husband left after the police issued a protection order against him.He left me with a farm to run and then sell and has continued to behave aggressively with regards the property settlement. I have been left with crippling low self esteem and a sense of hopelessness, having supported him faithfully in his farming business to the exclusion of my own achievements . I am struggling to find a direction and make new friends at 64 and desperately trying to emotionally move on. So thank you for this site I shall continue to read and hope to find answers that will set me on a path to recovery.


  12. Cathy

    One month ago, my husband said he was leaving as he has no romantic interest in me and wanted to start a new life. We have been together for 30 years and married for 27 years. This came one week before our Anniversary and next week I am turning 60 and we have a big party organised with many friends and family going away together for 4 days. Our kids both moved out earlier this year to live with their respective partners and while we both miss them, we have been getting on well and spending more time together. Due to financial issues he won’t be moving out for about 3 months and so I don’t want to tell our family and friends and make their lives miserable too (only my sister and 1 close friend know). So now I have my 60th Birthday, daughters 24th Birthday, Christmas, New Year and Interstate friends coming to stay, all the while pretending our life is happy as usual. He want’s to be one of the rare couples that actually get on and are amicable, while I am totally heartbroken and riding the roller coaster of separation. He has revealed he is interested in a 40 yo woman who is married with young children and that totally blows me away too. I was a stay at home Mum with some casual work but got a permanent part time job last year which I really enjoy. He earns 5 times my salary and has a large Superannuation, while I have basically nothing. I am so hurt and sad and don’t know how I’m going to get through the next 3 months with a smile on my face.

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