Surviving Your Split

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24 thoughts on “Thank You For Signing Up!

  1. Cherie Wagner

    I have been separated for over a year and I’m finally going to get divorced, I think. I have been in limbo for so long I think I am a bit crazy. :). Anyway now that the time is here I’m scared to death I’m not going to do something right. Just wanted to get asuch info as I can without getting too overwhelmed! Seems to be easier and easier these days for that to happen..thank you.

    1. ztlmbodyfelt Post author

      Hi Cherie! Thank you for reaching out. It’s certainly understandable do feel weird, especially when the time has finally come for the divorce to be finalized. We tend to get comfortable in whatever situation we’re in, even if it’s in the weird limbo of separation. But there’ s no need to feel scared! Remember, there is no “right” or “wrong” on the divorce journey. Remember to focus on what is right for you, on taking care of yourself, and on focusing on the great things you have waiting for you while you begin this next chapter in your life. Please email me if you ever have any questions or need some extra assistance. Thank you! ~Martha

    1. ztlmbodyfelt Post author

      Hi Christine! Thanks for the comment. The mix of religion and law can get very tricky, and I know there are a lot of religious readers out there who struggle. They know that their marriage is toxic and divorce may be the best option for them, but they definitely struggle with divorcing, especially if they have been told by their religion that divorce is a sin. To be clear, I am not a religious scholar, but I do know that it is not hard to take any bit of scripture and interpret it to suit a way of thinking. But my thoughts are this: happiness is our own responsibility, and if there is a creator, I would think that they would want us to be happy, too. And sometimes being happy means struggling through the hard stuff–like a divorce–so that you can begin again.

      Now, to your question of overcoming stress, especially with separation and divorce: we get stressed when we feel that we do not have control over the situation, and that when we are scared of the unknown. The best way to help decrease that stress is to have a plan—educate yourself on divorce, find yourself a good therapist, and good support system. The first place to start is with the Resources link on this website. If you would like to know more, please email me at martha@survivingyoursplit.com. I would be happy to share with you some more great information. Thanks! Warmly, Martha

  2. joekalokoh

    I have being marrage for two years now and my wife went out for studies and told me she will not come back.since then we have not being talking its over one year now .and I want to divorce her .what can I do

  3. preeti barnwal

    I got married on Feb 2013 and after marriage I came to know My husband is very grid man. He married with my job not with me. He tortured a lot and behaved like animal so many time. He use to beat me. Only three months we lived together after that we are separate. Now When i want divorce from him on the mutual consent so that I may live stress free, He does not agree for this and I have no any proof that he tortured me mentally & physically too after marriage. What is the solution to get rid of that man. I Can’t live with that man anymore. I would like to die in stead of live with him. I am a govt employee so I have no time to run a case against him for a long time. Please advise me by which way I get divorce with that person. Is this a big ground that we are separate from more than 2 yrs? Kindly guide me and help to solve my problem.

  4. Wendy

    I’ve been married to my childhood sweetheart for 41 years. About 10 years into our marriage, we hit a rough patch and he looked for work out of state on the hope we could re-locate and start fresh. During that separation, I was unfaithful to him with a co-worker at my job. That was the one and only affair I had. We decided to stay together, and thinks were going pretty well, I thought. Now 25 years have passed and now he admits that he just can’t get over what I did. One minute he says he loves me and the next minute he hates me and wants a divorce. I really do think he wants to move on, but he is very dependent on me and our relationship. As a result, I have been enduring what seems like endless questions and emotional stress for the last three years. I’m 61 years old and retired. We have no children. I’m wondering if it is best to initiate the split, since he seems too emotionally broken to do so. I want to stay with him because I love him and know the other guy just took advantage of my vulnerability. I love my husband and wish he could forgive me, but I’m just really tired of enduring what seems like endless emotional stress. I could use some realistic advice.

    1. Martha B Post author

      Hi Wendy,
      I tried to email you but received a kick-back on your email. Please email me at martha@survivingyoursplit.com. In regards to your question, please see below:
      Making the decision to split is tough during any marriage, but especially one where two people have shared a huge chunk of their lives together.

      As you know, it is impossible to get someone to feel a different way, and if your husband is unwilling and unable to forgive you and is inconsistent with his messaging (one day he says he loves you, one day he says he hates you and wants a divorce) then it definitely puts you at a crossroads.

      If you do want to remain married to him, have you considered couples counseling? It’s obviously not a cure-all, but when paired with the right therapist and when both people are committed to fixing the relationship and moving on, it can be really great.

      So, two questions to answer before we talk about other options. First question: Is counseling something you would try? And second question: is couples counseling something that your husband would be willing to try?

      Knowing these two answers will lead us to the next steps.

      I’m looking forward to speaking with you soon!

      Warmly,

      Martha

  5. Sheena

    I have just divorced after 40 years with my husband. He left me for a 36 year old. He and I are both 61.
    He blamed me for lack of affection and intimacy. I agree with his reasons, it is my fault. I was complacent. I have let him take a lot of money and furniture. I sold my lovely house and have gone back to work to support myself
    ( she doesn’t work and has no children, she says he is her “oxygen” and they are soul mates.)
    I am glad he has found the happiness he didn’t feel with me and I have been extremely nice to both of them. But I still love him and miss him terribly. I am keeping very busy, volunteering with conservation groups, amateur dramatics, yoga….anything to occupy my mind, but I can’t stop thinking about them together and it feels so painful. I guess it is just time and effort. Thank you for your help on this website.

    1. Martha B Post author

      Hello Sheena! Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of strength to put yourself out there and I appreciate it. I am sorry that you are still in pain, but you are right–it will take a lot of time and effort. Your keeping busy with things that interest you, while it may seem minor in comparison to the hurt you feel, will help you immensely in the long run. Just take things day by day, and remember to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself! Please email me at martha@survivingyoursplit.com anytime. Best, Martha

  6. Cindy

    I told my husband of 42 yrs that I wanted to split up. Over the last 42 yrs it has been good and bad. The last few yrs I have fallen out of love with him for so many reasons. i just don’t even know where to begin with the process. I have been receiving social security since December a very small amount. My husband has filed for social security and he has 2 pensions he will be be getting. I am thinking the 2 pensions would be split in half but not sure. Help!!

    1. Martha B Post author

      Hi Cindy! Thank you for the email. A quick question for you. What options have you considered so far in regards to the divorce? Are you certain that you want to split? If so, what steps have you taken legally, financially, logistically to start the process? Also, what goals do you have for yourself besides thinking about the two pensions? I am happy to give you further guidance! Please email me at martha@survivingyoursplit.com!

  7. Barb Barghahn

    Hi Martha,

    After 30 years together (27 married with 2 grown sons a step-daughter/husband/2 grandkids) I am now divorced for 3 weeks. Although this was not my life’s plan, I met my personal criteria of 1) I have done absolutely everything I could possibly do to make it work and 2) I am not angry at him. Meeting these two pieces of criteria as well and many, many hours with an excellent therapist have enabled me to be in a good place in my life. In the process of the divorce I was scared of being “homeless” as my little town is exceedingly important to me after an adult life with much uncertainty. With two dogs and a housing market with minimal listings for property in the “starter home” category I was able to move early into a home where I have not closed on yet. I am waiting for my financial portion of the settlement to finalize my ex-husband’s 401k division that will provide my 33% down payment. My frustration is with impatience with the judge who simply has to sign what was already spelled out in the divorce decree. I am beginning to be triggered by what feels like someone once again is holding all the cards that determine my future. Do you have a have a fresh perspective that may help lighten this load for. me?

    On a positive note, I spent 20 years operating an in-home childcare business then closed to return to college for a second degree (Addiction Studies) and MS degree. I am exceedingly happy with my new career and love living in my new home. The feeling of freedom is beyond what I could have imagined in spite of my not managing finances for all 30 years.

    Thank you in advance for the kick in the pants I need to stop feeling imprisoned by the judge with the slow writing utensil!

    Regards,
    Barb Barghahn

    1. Doreen

      Barb,
      I’m anxious to know how you succeeded with your two steps? Was it the therapy? I don’t know where to begin to get over the anger I feel about my husband leaving. I’m also interested in how you found the energy to go back to school. I’m two years separated, now getting divorce and can barely get through some days. I feel like what is supposed to be a new chapter in my life feels more like a huge ending.
      Thanks for sharing.
      Doreen

  8. Barbara Green

    Hi Martha,
    I filed for and divorced my husband of 31 years. He is an active alcoholic who was verbally aggressive. I was not so nice myself at times. It was a friendly enough divorce and we still keep in contact. Actually we still had plans to see each other, take our grandchild places, and he even told me that I could still be buried next to him since he bought the plots. I moved 4 hours away. We have one daughter who he went to visit (unannounced) and lo and behold he has a girlfriend, a childhood sweetheart with him. I am heart broken and devastated.
    I don’t understand why I am so upset. I guess it could be that I had hopes he would quit drinking or that I am so sad because it’s the end of a life shared. What do i do to get over this loss?
    Thank you,
    Barbara

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